look what I made today!

Hmmm. Well depending on your browser settings, you may or may not see the detail in the textures of this picture. Instead of writing this is what I made this morning. I woke up from a dream that left me feeling guilty, angry and scared. It was about a lawsuit in a kangaroo court. Most distressing. So I made this because it is like guilt and anger. Stonewalling.

My back is killing me. Got drugs?

none

Just here. Hanging out. Feeling mystified because I think I actually made a good decision.

In the meantime, my job is rewarding and I'm not working. Not today anyway. Promise to work tomorrow.

nothin'

Just blogging because I'm listening to music instead of silence, for a change. (Still having the U2 fest.)

I painted my kitchen yellow. It's not done yet. I'm going to have to put two coats on. Oh well. In other news tonight, looks like my tree will be all chopped up on Saturday! Hooray!

So mystifying ... I'm feeling good.

celebrate aloneness

To be an artist you must enjoy lots of time alone. And I do. (Dramatic directors are an exception.) My angel complained that all my activity is in my head -- that being with me is a lot like being alone. I solve a lot of the world's problems in my head. I collect impressions that go into my creative works. I daydream. I fantasize. Someone in high school accused me of liking my own thoughts better than that of others. My ex-husband told me I lived in Disneyland. Is this why later a 15-year relationship with a lovely man ended so abruptly? So, angel, if I shared what was in my head I'd be talking all the time. I'm processing life.

When I was 8 my father paid me a nickel to shut up for 10 minutes. It was one of those critical moments in life. My parents were having a party and I liked to talk to their friends. But I kept on talking, wearing out one adult after the other, until my father offered to pay me. Or was it one of his friends? (Or both?) So I sat for the required 10 minutes. And as I sat there, the party closed off and left me sittting against the wall in a chair. As I looked at them I realized how outside of it I was. That I was just an annoyance. I collected my nickel and went outside.

I'm not an alien. I do enjoy contact with other residents of this planet. (Although some aliens might make the same claim.) So I force myself to stay in touch for those times when I turn off my head or those times when it's good to be with others, like holidays, birthdays, nights on the town, etc. I'm like the opposite of most people who spend short periods in contemplation or withdrawal and long periods with others. Yes, I'm an introvert.

I wrote today. I posted a daily message. As always, it's available on my other website. I suppose I should link it into my AOL homepage. Okay. Later.

mad at something

It's a lovely morning. It's warm and moist just like in Germany in the fall. I had breakfast outside with my dog and the birds. The windows are open and the heat is off. It's just lovely.

I've made and posted this morning's message. Must do that no matter what if I have the time. I'm feeling trapped. I tried to force a relationship (whatever that means) and now I'm wondering if I'm not forcing the artist issue. Maybe I'm not really an artist. I'm just a person with a computer and some software. Naw.

Where is that place where the weather doesn't change--that place without seasons that suits my clothes? I could sell everything, put all my creative endeavors on some cds and vamoose. (What kind of a word is that?)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch ... I've quit believing in angels.

made something

The morning writing on Thursday turned into a complete essay that I posted to my mini-zine, "shiftAlt." You can get to it from my other blog. There's a link on the right side of that page.

Aside from that, I feel encouraged. A friend told me that I'm good at wriiting and that I should write more. Thanks.

work, continued

Here, as promised, a "sketch" of what I'm working on. I even worked before going to my job. It's good to be working. I posted a new message to my website home page. I also wrote this morning.

I like the sky. The hills aren't bad. The foreground is okay. But the hills are flat and there's this horrible line across the image. Some kind of haze. I'm using Bryce 3d at the moment. Some day I'll upgrade.

Work was work. Some good things are happening there also.

So where is the anxiety coming from? My head. My life. The fact that I had this really wierd dream this morning. I woke up saying "Tell everyone." It was a violent dream.

still working but not right now

I'm working on a landscape. It hasn't got a title. My works rarely do until they are finished. Some have themes or a destination but most of them don't. They are like little germs that grown into diseases. Okay. Maybe not. Maybe they're more like snow balls that grow until they're big enough to use to make something.

I planned to post a "sketch" of what I'm working on but it's too late in the evening. Too many things to do after my day job. Tomorrow I'll post the work in progress.

Some pieces are never finished . . . some don't work out but many do. I hope this one does.

Just so you know, I'm not always listening to the hard drive. In fact, sometimes I sit down at the keyboard knowing I'll be blogging later and think "I'd better put on some cool tunes." Of course, at 52 what's cool is different. For me cool includes Donovan, whom I was listening to earlier. Ah, Candy Man! and Sunny Goodge Street!

working

Actually, peaceful would better describe my mood. I worked yesterday. Thanks eveyone for the motivation. Somehow writing about work is generating work.

Sorry about the visible html. I'm working on that.

not working

Yep. Havin' a U2 fest. Join me anytime! Well, I spent the time getting this blog personalized and announcing it to my family and friends.

Now I'm going to try to add a picture. Woo hoo. <b>Hey it worked!</b> This is me before the tree fell in my backyard. I still look pretty much the same. Just a little more irritated. To see the tree down go to <html><a href="http://www.heartwind.com/shiftAlt/">my little ezine cover for this month</a></html>. My plan is to make a new fireplace mantle out of a branch and maybe make a table out of a slice of trunk.

Is it too late to work? I think not. Isn't this working?

really good music

Really good music works sorta like alcohol. If you get too much of it you think everything you do is totally great. It gives me a high much better than alcohol. When I make art or write to music it takes on an eternal quality.

Speaking of which, why am I here on a Friday night writing about art when, like a good artist, I should be out consuming alcohol with friends? Not my thing. Not anymore anyway. I'm actually thinking of working. And that's a good thing.

Really good music erases pain and suffering. It removes doubt. It creates the illusion that there is justice in the world and I about to reap the benefits of my good behaviour . . . that anything is possible. Including that someone will read this and leave a comment.

a decision

I'm going to give up on the 20 minutes of writing for awhile, except on the weekends and just update my "daily" art on the website. This means I'll be saving them instead of trashing them. Is that better?

I feel suffocated when I don't make something. Some art. This helps me to breathe. The 20 minutes unloads my heart and gets me free. Oh well. Something has to give. I'm getting up later and later to go to work. In fact, I'm late now. I'm eating my breakfast and typing while I chew. It's a huge effort to get there on time. My morning routine is deteriorating.

Love and Art

Tonight I've got a date with an angel. Maybe not, but he's an angel to me. When I get real high on love or adoration or any of the other really up emotions, I cease to create. I just experience. Much later I see it in my work. Sometimes I see it in my work before it happens.

When my 15-year realtionship ended suddenly last year, I didn't create anything for months. Partly because I was so busy with moving and damage control, and partly because there was nothing in me to lend to creativity. Except the creative problem solving I had to do to get through.

So, today I made nothing but a lovely day waiting for tonight. mmmmmmm

first entry

Well, here I am. Starting another blog. Yes, I have another one. But I'm not telling you about it. This morning a friend asked me about my art. I told her what I was up to. It felt strange, as it usually does when I find myself explaining my life as an artist. But I like strange. Another friend's daughter recently described me as "Strange and nice." So okay. You will now have the opportunity to decide for yourself.

What "artsy" things did I do today?
- Wrote for 20 minutes about the first things that came in my head -- aka "stream of conciousness" or unconciousness as the case may be.
- Made a little scrap of art for my website. My goal is to do that daily and post the art on my website. Address later. Or not.
- Spent an hour foolling around with a new logo for my brother's new business. Fun actually. I feel inspired which is nice for a change. (smirk)

Aside from that, there was the bulk of the day at my job which is demanding in its' way.

End of first entry. (ya'll come back, k?)