Resistance vs Aversion

I  have spent so much of my life doing the “right” thing, making myself do things and participate in activities (like certain jobs) or hang with people I didn’t like or even intensely hated. I got very good as submersing my feelings and just getting on with it.

The backlash began more than five years ago, while I was employed as a graphic designer for a bank. Or maybe even before that when I found “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron or maybe even further back when my children were young and I ended up on my own with them while my then husband worked in a distant land making tons of tax-free money.

In any case, or even in all cases, the impetus grew in me to yield to my true desires and feelings, growing stronger over time until I can no longer make myself do anything I don’t feel like doing. Some have treated me like a recalcitrant child informing me that “adults” get on with it.

That is as may be.

However, I have also had many so-called “peak” experiences discovering that wonderful feeling of well being when I am in flow, doing what I enjoy, which makes me happy and is congruent with my inner direction. This is most important! When I do these things my blood pressure lowers, I lose the desire for overeating, I am energized and optimistic, and, I am sure, improving the quality of my life as well as lengthening it.

Why would I ever do anything I didn’t like? Anything that didn’t concur with my inner adviser? Anything that was incongruent with my true nature?

There are a lot of reasons. Some of them involved surviving childhood, adolescence, and “making a living.”

Aversion
I am averse to participating in activities that cause my blood pressure to rise, that stress me out, make me unhappy, or put me to sleep. In other words, I don't like things that are bad for me or go against the grain.

Resistance
Resistance is a bit more difficult to recognize. Resistance may come across as dislike, fear, rebellion, zoning out, or temporary amnesia.

To qualify: resistance is not doing something I really enjoy and is good for me. As opposed to aversion which is not wanting to do something I don’t like. Are we clear? Good.

So, to get on with it. When I am in resistance I sometimes get the same feeling as when I dislike something. How to tell the difference? When I dislike an activity that I previously enjoy immensely. That is resistance.

When I am in resistance I have fears — irrational fears, nebulous, unexplained fears. And then I get angry because I know I am resisting.

Resistance can be rebellion. As in, “No! I’m not doing this thing I like to do just because!”

Zoning out happens when I think about or plan to do an activity that is really good for me and that I like a lot. And the amnesia thing can happen when I remember only the bad parts of a great activity or when I forget that I have a lot of resistance around a particular activity.

To Illustrate Resistance
During the last year I lived in Richmond VA I discovered Yogaville. Going there was a spiritual and aesthetic experience — a double whammy because aesthetic experiences are spiritual.

I decided to return the following month, showing up for meditation at noon at the Lotus, having lunch, and driving back. The month after that, on the day I had planned a visit, I felt angry and irritable. All I could think about was the long drive (1.5 hours one way) and all the other things I had to do. So I didn’t go.

It didn’t take long before I felt horrible. All month I noticed the sinking feeling and lack of spirituality that came from not visiting.

The next month on the planned day, I forgot about the resistance and was about to cancel the trip when I remembered that all the negative feelings were just a part of the process. I’m not sure where all this crap comes from. Some of it comes from the anxiety of being afraid that the thing I really like to do will not happen as planned.

Eventually I saw all the feelings I had: anger, frustration, fear, and zoning out as a self-defeating way to keep myself from having a wonderful and renewing spiritual experience — something I loved and which was good for me.

Novelling
All of this to tell you that I have resisted writing all day. I will now go and finally write because I have caught up on all the niggley things I’ve put off for weeks. There’s really nothing left on today’s list but to write.

And here’s another form of resistance: preferring to do things that are boring IN COMPARISON TO the thing I need, want, and plan to do that is good for me.

Oh! And here’s another dumb thing I do: put off actually doing the thing I want to do because the anticipation of doing the fun thing feels so good. I don’t know. I might be crazy.

Caveat: these “fun things” generally involve creativity like writing.

Gak! Why am I still here? Think of how many words I could have written if I had worked on the novel instead of blathering.

Something I worked on and finished today instead
of writing my novel.

Getting to Know Gurudev

Yesterday I spent a lot of time with Sri Swami Satchidananda. In the morning I honored his spirit at the morning puja and ate his food: digestive biscuits, sweet coffee, banana, and almonds. The coffee was the most revealing as it was prepared just for him. It's the kind of intimacy experienced when your father or grandfather lets you try his drink. You learn a lot about his preferences. So, here was a man who liked a high quality particular bean brewed well and then highly sweetened. There was some kind of creamer like milk or soy milk, too. He pampered himself with the coffee and he was very precise about how it should be put together.

At noon I saw his beautifully landscaped home (no photos allowed) arranged to very particular specifications. Water running down a hilly rocky trace into the ground. An abstract sculpture made of car exhaust fittings in the shape of an archway. Some kind of metal casting that looked like a squid in the wind.

Inside, a huge intricately carved panel depicting part of an ancient Indian saga across the room from an original oil by Peter Max, who was a good friend. A couple of images of his guru in between modest sculptures and art of great expertise and emotion arranged on two walls of bookshelves.

His chair was situated so that he could face guests while at the same time gazing through a wall of glass over his domain of shrines and rolling hills. A telephone ready close beside him. A man of action. One who took a personal interest in the day-to-day affairs and yet let others get on with their work.

I sensed an incredibly deep calm love for everything and everyone; an effusive abiding compassionate love that pierces to the core of the secret heart. Also, some anger and frustration. Well, who wouldn't be when trying to make the world a better place?

Most revealing was his voice. As the Swami had prepared for puja earlier that morning she played an endless recording of Gurudev chanting "Om hreem Nama sivaya." It was a resonant, calm, full-bodied voice speaking each word with perfect attention and devotion. Not a single syllable was curtailed. The concluding "ya" was given a subtle flourish as if to say "I love every nook and cranny of your name and can't wait to speak it again." The tone projected a deep confident faith in and devotion to god.

People talk of charismatic leaders as if it were a pejorative. His charm, even from a distance, was his sincere belief in and affection for God. Highly contagious and deeply inspiring.

First Real Stay at Yogaville

I've done day visits and one overnight; not anything longer. So, I signed up for three tenting nights and four fabulous days enjoying the spirit and offerings.

Tenting last night. My setup worked well. Rained though. A lot. And then it got so cold I needed a jacket. A friend, who was working registration, offered to let me stay at her place. So, now I have this great cottage for two nights. It's down a private road, beautifully decorated, and comfy. Supposed to be 37 degrees tonight!

Satsang and movie of Sri Gurudev yesterday. And this morning puja at Chidabaram with Swami Dayananda. Since it was just the two of us she let me do a some of it. I got to decorate Ganesha and share the light, among other things. Then she asked if I'd like to clean up. That was fun because we had a chance to chat while working. She said I could be a good pujanti (not sure about that word - a person who conducts pujas). Yay! She explained everything so nicely. She also said I had probably done puja in many lifetimes. I said,"No." And then, "We'll, maybe." And we smiled at each other.

Then another movie about Gurudev's life and Darshan at Gurudev's home. That was amazing! Kept as though he were going to turn up any minute. All his stuff laid out. Enjoyed seeing what sort of art he liked to have around. His favorite chair was decorated with a photo (large, framed) of him, draped clothing, and his final shoes beneath. Fresh persimmons afterward!

The only Hatha Yoga I've done is deep relaxation which is basically laying around. My right knee is killing me. I use the compression support in the morning but after 4 hours it gets annoying. Living on aspirin. Feels better after meals and when I'm excited or interested in something. Pops a lot. Scary. I miss being able to walk on the trails. Even getting in and out of the car is painful.

Helped clean up after dinner. The scheduled kitchen manager didn't show up so another experienced one stepped in. I got bogged down cleaning the condiments.

All the chanting has left fragments floating in my brain. Self starting fragments. Kinda nice. Sometimes i hear Sri Gurudev. Sometimes a chorus of devotees.