cleaning creatively or forward into the past

For at least a year I've been using knitting and crocheting to clean out my (possibly) 10-year stash of yarns and unfinished projects. I had, for example, the remnant of a very expensive heavenly purple cotton yarn I once bought on impulse. I didn't buy a lot of it (see: expensive) and couldn't make anything truly useful. I knit a summer vest and added expensive sculpted silver buttons. They were all ocean themed: fishes, sand dollars, shells. Not practical although they did work as fasteners.

The vest didn't fit. I persisted in wearing it for a couple of summers. I don't know where it is now. Probably in my son's attic waiting for me to shrink into it.

Did you know that nothing is exactly the size
of an iPhone? I stuffed this with two matchboxes
and a Post It Notes pad to get the size right.
Because the only camera I have is in my phone.

I managed to use up the last few bits of the purple yarn today as trim for an iPhone cozy. Because sometimes I don't have any pockets for the phone and I put it in my purse where it rumbles around getting scratched. The screen has two light scratches (that you can't really see unless you hold it at an angle to the light). Anyway, I've been wrapping it up in a silk handkerchief which is okay unless I need to use the handkerchief. Which happens.

To make the cozy, I used up what remained of some Aunt Lydia's No. 3 Fashion thread (which I actually bought for a planned project—as opposed to the dreamy "some day" projects) and the lovely expensive purple yarn.

Results:
1.) I had fun.
2.) Knitting (the body) and crocheting (the edging) kept me from chewing up my cuticles or eating unsuitable food.
3.) Using up the remnants reminded me to be serious about my projects. Because if I don't follow through they haunt me.
4.) I had the satisfaction of finally putting to use some yarn that's been tucked out of sight but not out of mind. Ergo: a little weight off my mind.
5.) I designed and created something unique and expressive. Sure, it's a bit wonky, but the joy of creating—particularly on the fly—outweighs any wonkiness.

The joy of wonkiness is why I continue to use up and finish the old projects. At least the yarn-based ones. I'm nearly done and I've been steadily rewarding myself with a new project each time an old one is completed. A new real project, thoughtfully chosen and carefully executed. And then there's one more result:

6.) I've learned to take projects seriously because time and resources go into them and some of them hang around for a long time, so might as well do it right.

What I'm really doing is exercising my creative muscles in an extreme way by confining myself to what's available. That and making way for new, better projects and more opportunities for wonkiness. All that in a little iPhone bag.

Leather, Smoke, and Your Eyes

Pungent odor of smoke and old leather before I dropped off to sleep yesterday. Attempting resolution by making a fake leather thing with words and smoke. Tip of lid to actionfx and Chandra Baker tutorials. My texture is not as impressive as a photo. More satisfying than buying a photo, though. For me, anyway.

Resistance vs Aversion

I  have spent so much of my life doing the “right” thing, making myself do things and participate in activities (like certain jobs) or hang with people I didn’t like or even intensely hated. I got very good as submersing my feelings and just getting on with it.

The backlash began more than five years ago, while I was employed as a graphic designer for a bank. Or maybe even before that when I found “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron or maybe even further back when my children were young and I ended up on my own with them while my then husband worked in a distant land making tons of tax-free money.

In any case, or even in all cases, the impetus grew in me to yield to my true desires and feelings, growing stronger over time until I can no longer make myself do anything I don’t feel like doing. Some have treated me like a recalcitrant child informing me that “adults” get on with it.

That is as may be.

However, I have also had many so-called “peak” experiences discovering that wonderful feeling of well being when I am in flow, doing what I enjoy, which makes me happy and is congruent with my inner direction. This is most important! When I do these things my blood pressure lowers, I lose the desire for overeating, I am energized and optimistic, and, I am sure, improving the quality of my life as well as lengthening it.

Why would I ever do anything I didn’t like? Anything that didn’t concur with my inner adviser? Anything that was incongruent with my true nature?

There are a lot of reasons. Some of them involved surviving childhood, adolescence, and “making a living.”

Aversion
I am averse to participating in activities that cause my blood pressure to rise, that stress me out, make me unhappy, or put me to sleep. In other words, I don't like things that are bad for me or go against the grain.

Resistance
Resistance is a bit more difficult to recognize. Resistance may come across as dislike, fear, rebellion, zoning out, or temporary amnesia.

To qualify: resistance is not doing something I really enjoy and is good for me. As opposed to aversion which is not wanting to do something I don’t like. Are we clear? Good.

So, to get on with it. When I am in resistance I sometimes get the same feeling as when I dislike something. How to tell the difference? When I dislike an activity that I previously enjoy immensely. That is resistance.

When I am in resistance I have fears — irrational fears, nebulous, unexplained fears. And then I get angry because I know I am resisting.

Resistance can be rebellion. As in, “No! I’m not doing this thing I like to do just because!”

Zoning out happens when I think about or plan to do an activity that is really good for me and that I like a lot. And the amnesia thing can happen when I remember only the bad parts of a great activity or when I forget that I have a lot of resistance around a particular activity.

To Illustrate Resistance
During the last year I lived in Richmond VA I discovered Yogaville. Going there was a spiritual and aesthetic experience — a double whammy because aesthetic experiences are spiritual.

I decided to return the following month, showing up for meditation at noon at the Lotus, having lunch, and driving back. The month after that, on the day I had planned a visit, I felt angry and irritable. All I could think about was the long drive (1.5 hours one way) and all the other things I had to do. So I didn’t go.

It didn’t take long before I felt horrible. All month I noticed the sinking feeling and lack of spirituality that came from not visiting.

The next month on the planned day, I forgot about the resistance and was about to cancel the trip when I remembered that all the negative feelings were just a part of the process. I’m not sure where all this crap comes from. Some of it comes from the anxiety of being afraid that the thing I really like to do will not happen as planned.

Eventually I saw all the feelings I had: anger, frustration, fear, and zoning out as a self-defeating way to keep myself from having a wonderful and renewing spiritual experience — something I loved and which was good for me.

Novelling
All of this to tell you that I have resisted writing all day. I will now go and finally write because I have caught up on all the niggley things I’ve put off for weeks. There’s really nothing left on today’s list but to write.

And here’s another form of resistance: preferring to do things that are boring IN COMPARISON TO the thing I need, want, and plan to do that is good for me.

Oh! And here’s another dumb thing I do: put off actually doing the thing I want to do because the anticipation of doing the fun thing feels so good. I don’t know. I might be crazy.

Caveat: these “fun things” generally involve creativity like writing.

Gak! Why am I still here? Think of how many words I could have written if I had worked on the novel instead of blathering.

Something I worked on and finished today instead
of writing my novel.

Gadgets for Living Off the Grid

I revisited my fascination with living off grid today because I'm moving next Saturday and I have nowhere to go. Except, perhaps, to my tiny third acre of desert outside of Belen NM. The major sticking point for me is that I have a delightful iMac which I need in order to breathe.

Solar Power
Anyway, I got sucked into this really interesting web site of a company that makes real apocalyptic solar-power generators with military versions. Or, at least, to something they call military specs including camouflage coloring. They make neat backpack solar chargers as well as survival packages.

This led to other versions of solar power, including this nifty modular item from Cabela's that enables solar panel and battery storage chaining. (Watch the video!) They have a cool Wind Generator that you can plug into a battery storage unit. Wind and solar! You're covered!

I found an interesting article about African's who live off the grid because they have to. And a cool company called Bare Foot Power that makes solar-power gadgets with Africa in mind. Right now, on this planet, ordinary people are using solar power to get along day by day. Encouraging!

For those of you who like to make your own, there's this guy. 

Accessories

While I was at Cabela's I revisited the Shower, Toilets, and Accessories section aka "other ways to poop and pee." At one time I considered living in a van, so having ways to eliminate human wastes was a vital element. Unfortunately, I don't feel I can seriously consider van living. I like my comfort too much (i.e., running water, comfy bed, shower, desk space, etc.) to take the plunge. Also, the paranoia would take away much of the smugness of being able to live off the beaten path. There's a Yahoo! group for that, if you're interested. Most of the women swear by the Lady J.

Shelter
As to the shelter part, once you have the power and the waste issue resolved, any kind of structure can serve as a house. So, why not Darryl Hannah's environmentally friendly tipi? While you're there, check out the solar powered boat which looks big enough to live on. Theoretically, I could drive to NM, gut my car, add extensions, and live in that. Or maybe I could sell it and use a truck instead.

Water
Water is the unresolved problem. My little third acre of desert has no water and piping in municipal water would be self-defeating. I haven't found any solutions to porting water. Sure, there are purifiers, solar showers, and containers. I think you can even put a little tent over a hole in the desert and distill water when it's hot enough. Although that little tent only generates enough to slake the thirst.

Off-grid water supply usually involves deciding to settle close to a water source or digging a well, which also involves choosing an optimum site. Here's the beginning of a three part Mother Earth News story on off-grid water systems.

Conclusion
Okay. That was interesting and chewed up an afternoon. Don't think I'll be living off-grid anytime soon. Good to know I could, though, if I wanted to ... if I had to and preferred that to being city-style homeless or renting a room from one of my kids. As my Mom says, "Privacy is important."

Finding My Himal

Since forever I've resorted to saying, "I'm going to go sit on a mountain top in Nepal!" when things got rough. Well, they're rough now and I'm focused on making my own Himalayan mountains.

The topological map import into Bryce didn't work, mostly because I couldn't find a free one that was appropriate. I tried making my own by drawing over a screen shot. Not very successful either. I ended up with lots of alien towers instead of mountains.

So, I resigned myself to making mountains in Bryce that sort of approximate a Himal feel. These are the best ones so far:

Generated these using the Bryce Fractal:Slickrock filter with a bit of Erode and Smoothing thrown in.
Not totally enamored of the texture. The shape is nice and the snow is in good spots.

You can see other attempts on my Facebook fan page.

Did you know that Nepal is like the Switzerland or Netherlands of Asia? People move in and across from all surrounding countries. There doesn't seem to really be a "native" Nepalese. In the south it's Indian Nepal and in the North it's Tibetan Nepal. Yet somehow all these people live and let live together.

There's a lot of photos, movies, and stories on Mark Horrell's site. Almost like being there.

The Ravages of Abuse

it's like a thick space suit that's attached to my skin.
like sprayed on foam with a special shield that gives me Brain cloud
like a snow suit with just my face hanging out
and it's always night in here

and I'm going for a long long long long trek who knows when i'll get there
so I can take this thing off
—1999

Apogee

There are times in the cycle of my life when I use up all the stored resources I can find, anything tucked away in a special place, in short, I liberate every financial store available. I get down to zero, clear out the records, and start again.There have been a few these already. I thought I was over that. I'm discovering it's part of my pattern.

The Fool, Circle of Life Tarot deck
© 2008 Lo Scarabeo

The fallow periods seem to last about year. Each time, lucky for me, someone has been there to catch me. After high school and college there were my parents, their couch, and months of old movies. After the divorce, there was my New Man, months of travel, and a lot of freedom. During the next rough period I was still with the New Man. He didn't appreciate my laying fallow but he hung in there and I began again.

Following each fallow period, I took refuge in a job for job's sake—primarily to make money. Each time the job was a little closer to my true nature. This time, I'm resisting the "jane job." I'm trying to find a way to generate income that will give me joy and let me make a contribution doing what I love to do. Hopefully, to avoid another fallow period. I'm tired of starting over. And I want to do work that lets me use both sides of my creative nature, not just the conceptual, outside, organizing part.

This time my personal low cycle has coincided with the world's depression, making the fallowness twice as long. This time there is no safe haven. I don't have the luxury of disengaging completely and cocooning. This time, although I have been helped by family, it's been mostly the government there to catch me. They catch neither gently nor with loving concern, patience, or understanding.

Where there is apogee there must be perigee. Where there is nadir there must be apex. Any gambler or Taoist can tell you that. I'm gambling that all the effort I've put into developing work congruent to my true nature will pay off. That I'll be able to generate income from work I love and feel called to do. I'm not sure exactly how that's going to happen. I'm leaving that part to the powers that be.

The Sun, Mantegna Tarot Deck

Under Water

I had a consultation with a woman from HUD today. As she went down the list of expenses I found myself saying that I no longer buy clothes, get my hair cut, or go out to eat. I saw a picture of myself as person being shut out from society and also from any possible potential future opportunities that might arise through networking. And not just me but all the others like myself who have been out of work for a very long time indeed.

My conclusion: if you want to help an out-of-work friend get them a haircut, gather around a bunch of friends, and take them out to dinner. And then keep doing it. Keep them in circulation. Dropping out is the worst that can happen because it takes being in circulation to do just about anything.

As the unemployed drop out of circulation they are forgotten. And thus into the ever increasing downward spiral. I like to think there's another world under the blue of the ocean. I hope I find it.

Underwater Sky (2011)

I dreamed about fashion - which is so weird.

Not really a fashion dream so much as a dream that involved fashion. Actually, it was about society and maybe even conformity. Everyone was wearing this dress:

What everyone else was wearing in lots of lovely
colors and, of course, looking much better than this.

While I wore this:

Of course I looked absolutely stunning and
everyone was looking at me. I was the
latest thing. Which is weird as I never
try to be the latest thing.

waiting

feeling inside ... that its not how you want it to be

070912b1a

Music of the Day
Wait for You - Elliott Yamin
Time Waits for Everyone - Viggo Mortenson
The Air That I Breathe - The Hollies' Greatest Hits


Movie of the Day
Jane Eyre

The Weekly Round

 No  matter how hard I try, who I promise, or what number of interesting topics flit through my mind, once a week seems to be the limit on this blog.

I have noticed that my other output to twitter and the facebook page is also down. I guess all this activity is indoor stuff.

What I really need to do is officially become the Traffic Nazi with a subspecialty in bicycles. But that would mean research and discovering that someone is already at it and I would have to specialize or at least distinguish myself some way. Or I could, I suppose, be just another traffic blogger. I would get some release from my frustrations. I know from past experience that the best way to exorcise anger and irritation is to write about it on a blog. The anger goes away. I wonder if the buddhists have considered it in addition to meditation?

Anyway, all I have today are two drawings I made of me in differing color palettes. Don't ask me to make one for you. I'll never get around to it even if I say yes.

Searching for Perfect Art

Expansive
(my first choice for an iPhone decal)

My definition of perfect art changes more than daily. It changes by the moment – from morning to afternoon, from break of day to twilight – which makes it difficult for me to settle on one work of art to make into a skin. A skin I'll see a lot, since it will be on my iPhone.

Decal Girl makes the best skins ever. I own three of them. So, naturally, I chose to use them for my art. Unfortunately, they didn't choose me.

I sent them a file with my custom art, inserted into their Photoshop template  file. What that means is: they sent me a Photoshop file in the pixel dimensions they needed to print the decal, with a cut out layer showing the position of the art. I sent the file back with my art in it, having removed the cut out layer and renamed the file with my name (in case it got lost).

I didn't hear back from them. A couple months later I remembered I was trying to make a phone decal and got back in touch with them. Oh, yeah, they got it. Did I really make it? they asked. Would I prove it was mine by please returning the original template with my art in it. Okay, so yeah, I did that. I also told them they could Google me and see that it was my art. How hard is that? They didn't responds again. When I inquired, they told me they never received the email. I sent the file one more time. I did not hear back. I gave up.

Paradise Sky

Today I decided to take another stab at it. I have a decal on my phone that has probably been there since the fall. Time for a change! However, I didn't want to us the same art I sent Decal Girl before. I wanted something newer and fresher and brighter. I suppose I'll have to make something. The closest I could come up with is "Paradise Sky" which, although lovely, is a little too plain for daily use. I need something with a bit of detail that I can mull over.

So, the search continues. Although, after all those issues with Decal Girl, I may just decide to use Zazzle* who don't give me that kind of grief. I do appreciate Decal Girl checking up on rights and all, but their documentation clearly states only to submit work you own the rights to.

I notice they have Van Gogh on their site. I assume they have the rights to sell his work. Not so much his work, actually, as the work of whoever photographed his art. That's the kicker. Van Gogh is way out of copyright. Anyone can use his work. However, it's the capturing of his work that is copyrighted. I'm also assuming that the updated bio on the page is okay with Van Gogh.

All of that to tell you this: today's favorite is "star tube." For no particular reason other than that it grabbed me today. I know it's simple and a little amateurish. I don't care. It's perfect for now.

star tube

* Zazzle also has rules about copyright, and even if they didn't, artists (and other creatives) are protected by US Copyright Law and the Berne Convention. Look it up!

Not the What

What's that?
What was that again?
What did we have?
Or did what have us?
What not quite benevolent ... what indifferent ... chaos.
What that grabbed us, swirled and then
   put us down
   somewhere else.
At this long distance I see you more clearly —
   but not the what.

Stealth Black Kitty

Pip

When I let Pip out this morning the first thing I noticed was the sky. Then I saw Black Kitty crouched in the grass beside the fence. Pip didn't see BK. She had flattened herself into the grass as he went about his business.

He sniffed the ground. I pointed my chin at BK. He turned and walked toward the opposite side of the yard, picking up some scent. He then followed it around the yard ending up in the natural den behind the euonymus when he spied BK where she had spirited herself – in the next yard.

Good thing for her as Pip has mixed feelings about cats. He does like to play with them but in the doggie way. Smaller animals tend to not survive. Large cats, however, have the upper hand. If BK survives to large cat status Pip could have some interesting times.